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Redfield Q & A
Question:
I'm a 23 year old guy. In the past few days I've noticed myself becoming more and more attracted to this one woman. She's smart, fun and absolutely beautiful.
Now here's the problem: This lady friend of mine is very involved with one of my good friends. Being that he is such a good buddy to me, I could never think of invading his love life, but I need to let this girl know how I feel without sending her into shock.
This girl is so right and so perfect in my eyes that I need to let it all out. I need to let her know how she makes me feel. My heart races when I see her and my anxiety skyrockets when I wait to meet her again. I'm in quite a bind.
Hope you understand.
Answer:
Your basic situation is you're attracted to a woman who is going out with a close friend of yours. For simplicity, let's call your friend Jack and his girlfriend Jill.
I teach my students that in situations like these you need to ask yourself what's important to you, what you have to gain and what you have to lose. On one hand you say you could never invade Jack's love life but in the next breath you say you need to let Jill know how you feel. No wonder you're frustrated. Something has to give. I wonder which it will be.
In a nutshell, here's what you're up against:
1) You don't want to invade Jack's territory or hurt his feelings.
2) You want to tell Jill how you feel.
3) You don't want to make Jack or Jill angry.
4) You don't want to lose your friendship with either of them.
It would be nice if there was an easy, safe way to do this but there isn't.
I'm not sure why you need to tell Jill how you feel about her. Yes, you're attracted to her sexually, emotionally and intellectually and you want to clear your conscience. But what do you expect to gain from telling her how you feel? Do you plan on telling her hoping she won't tell Jack? If Jack really is a close friend, why would you want to go behind his back and try to steal his girlfriend?
I don't mean to sound unkind, but what does going behind Jack's back say about you as a friend? How would you feel if the situation were reversed and Jack went behind your back?
Next, if Jill goes out with you, you'll probably destroy your friendship with Jack. Then, when you break up with Jill (and unless you marry her you will eventually break up), you will have lost both Jack and Jill's friendship.
Next, what if you tell Jill how you feel and she's insulted that you'd think she would go behind Jack's back to go out with you?
If all you want to do is tell Jill you're attracted to her, with no intention of going out with her or destroying what she has with Jack, let me set your mind at ease. If she has anything on the ball, she already knows you're attracted to her. You don't need to tell her. Being sexually attracted to someone isn't something you can hide from them, especially if they want to know.
If your intention is to just get it off your chest and tell her you think she's attractive, you really have nothing to gain other than clearing your conscience. But you have a lot to lose: She could be insulted and refuse to have anything to do with you, she could tell Jack and he could take it the wrong way, etc.
If you want to tell her because you want to go behind Jack's back and actually go out with her, you'll lose your friendship with Jack and make an enemy out of him. You'll probably make an enemy out of Jill, too. Besides, what kind of a woman would do that to her man? And if she does it to Jack, she'll do it to you, too.
How much do you really value your friendship with Jack and Jill? If you value Jack's friendship then, out of respect for Jack, out of respect for Jill, and out of respect for their relationship, I would advise you to keep your feelings to yourself. If they break up, and you still value Jack's friendship, ask him how he would feel if you asked Jill out before you talk with Jill. If Jill is attracted to you and wants to go out with you she will let you know somehow.
Some things that will help you in deciding whether or not to tell her: How is her relationship going with Jack? If they're madly in love with each other all you can do is get yourself into trouble by telling her how you feel. If they're in the process of breaking up and you go out with her, you'll lose your friendship with Jack. Put yourself in Jack's position. A close friend of his goes behind his back and tries to take his girlfriend away from him. No matter how you chose to talk yourself into or out of telling her how you feel, that's what's going on.
I can't tell you what's important to you, or what should be important to you. Only you can determine that. In order to determine what course of action you should take, you need to decide what is important to you, what you want, what is at risk and whether or not the other person wants to give you what you're looking for. Then you weigh all that and decide whether the risk of telling her how you feel is worth it or not.
That being said, if you still want to let her know how you feel, you might say something like this, "I don't want to come between you and Jack because he's one of my best friends, and I don't want to jeopardize your relationship with him. But I want you to know I think you're a very beautiful woman. If it wasn't for your relationship with Jack I'd want to go out with you."
Then leave it up to her.
Remember, there are no guarantees she will go out with you once you've told her how you feel or that she'll be happy you told her. There is a lot at risk. And you won't be able to conceal it from Jack forever. Sooner or later he'll figure it out.
If your relationship with Jack isn't that important to you, you may want to risk it. But what does that say about you in terms of being someone's friend? I'll let you answer that, using your conscience as your guide.
Again, there is a lot at stake here. Is it really worth the risk? What will you do if she tells you, "Thanks but no thanks"?
Please choose wisely.
Good luck and God Bless.
Bryan Redfield
Put the dating successes of over 10,000 single men and women and to work for you. Visit Bryan's website at: http://www.bryanredfield.com
This advice column is copyright 1999 - 2006 by Bryan Redfield.
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