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Redfield Q & A
Question:
Bryan I'm confused, on the one hand I'm told to ignore beautiful women or even be rude to them because they aren't used to it and will chase you to insure their self esteem.
On the other hand, I'm a believer in associative conditioning which says never to have negative feeling attached to you.
Which one is it? Should I be a jerk or should I be nice and at the same time be a challenge (of course)?
Thank you.
Answer:
Let me answer your question with a question: What makes you think being anyone other than who you really are will lead to a satisfying relationship or make someone like you?
I teach my students the bottom line is we all want to be loved, cared for, understood and accepted unconditionally. And the only way to gain that unconditional love and acceptance is to be yourself.
If you start trying to be what you think the other person wants, you can't be loved for yourself because you aren't being yourself. And eventually you will resent the other person for not liking you for who you really are. But who's fault would that be?
Most guys project a false image when they want to be accepted, when they want short term sex, or both. Beautiful women have a lot of experience with guys who just want to be accepted and who just want short term sex. They get it all day long. And they know how to deal with it.
The guys who just want short term sex sit there and try to figure out the best combination of head trips, dirty tricks and combat tactics that will separate the woman of the moment from her clothes in the shortest amount of time using the least amount of ammunition (known by the rest of us as money).
They have no respect for women and it shows. Women can sense this just as you can sense it when a dishonest used car salesman just wants to separate you from your money. The guys who just want short term sex don't care about women and the dishonest used car salesman doesn't care about you. The attitudes are close to identical.
And women's behavior is pretty similar to what you'd do with the used car salesman, too: They just walk away. If she likes to play games, or has a chip on her shoulder toward men, she'll tease, turn on, and then laugh at the guy. And then she'll just walk away. Either way, you lose. If she plays games with your head it just adds insult to injury.
Are there beautiful women out there who are stupid? Of course, just like there are a lot of stupid men. But all you could possibly want from women like this is short term sex because there's nothing else there but the shell of a beaten up, used up, and screwed up person. Who in their right mind would want to get involved with someone like that for a long term relationship? It's like buying a used car that needs a tune up and oil change every fifty miles. It doesn't matter how nice the car looks, it isn't worth it.
Are these women being taken advantage of? Sure, for the first few times. But even an idiot will wise up if she gets her hand burned enough. Why would you want to get involved with a stupid, beautiful woman? All you're really getting is someone else's leftovers. With all the diseases out there, is short term sex worth dying over? You be the judge.
One of the major problems you have to deal with when you choose to project a false image of yourself is you have to try to figure out what each woman wants at the moment you're interacting with her.
When that situation dissolves (which is usually very quickly), then with each new woman you have to wipe the slate clean and start all over trying to figure out which "con game" will work on her. So you have to learn a new role with every woman. It becomes a giant guessing game. And it gets complicated real fast.
On the other hand, when you be yourself and learn true communications skills your behavior is consistent from woman to woman and you don't need to learn a new game, dialogue, or script every time you meet a woman you're attracted to.
You seem to think beautiful women are different than the rest of the female population and, as a result, should be treated differently. Why?
Next, you say, "I'm a believer in associative conditioning which says never to have negative feeling attached to you." Why? If everyone likes you, something is wrong. I'm not saying go out of your way to make enemies. But if everyone likes you, something is wrong. Yes, be professionally pleasant. If you tell me you like everyone I will tell you you're either a wimp or you're lying. No one likes everyone. And no one is liked by everyone.
Next, you say, "Should I be a jerk or should I be nice and at the same time be a challenge (of course)?" What kind of a challenge are you talking about? Every attractive woman knows it's easy for her to get just about any guy she wants in bed. So sex isn't the challenge. Getting a man's sexual interest isn't a challenge. Keeping a man's interest after she's had sex with him, that's the challenge.
I teach my students that if you lie, deceive, manipulate or con the other person in any way, shape or form you've just given them every right to do it to you. And they will.
A person who is internally secure enough to be him or herself sends a direct message to any member of the opposite sex they're attracted to. It says, among other things, "I am happy with myself. I don't need you to be happy, stroke my ego or validate who I am but I would like to get to know you. I'm attracted to you but I'm not desperate. I hope we can find common ground and have some fun times together. If not, I accept it and sincerely wish you the best in life." No head trips, no games, just straightforward honesty.
On the other hand, what message does someone who is rude or a jerk or a tries to be what they think the other person wants, give? What kind of a person would respond positively, or at all, to someone who is being blatantly rude and insulting to them? Who wants to be around someone who is intentionally (or unintentionally) a jerk? By the same token, who wants to be with someone who is just being nice to them? It makes you wonder what they really want from you.
Something to think about: What would happen if you treated every woman the way you treated beautiful women? And men, too. What would happen if you treated everyone, of all ages, races, creeds and colors with the same attention, respect and courtesy you want to give beautiful women? Without compromising your self respect and personal code of dignity? What would happen if you learned good communication skills? I'll tell you what would happen. You'd start getting a lot of dates.
One of the Golden Rules I teach my students is: The person you meet has to respond to you according to the way you present yourself. Present yourself like a jerk and you force the other person to treat you like one. Present yourself like a gentleman and you'll be treated accordingly.
By being someone other than who you are, you guarantee the relationship will be short term. By being yourself, you have a chance at having a fun and casual or long term and lasting relationship with the person of your choice, provided you've learned good communication skills, have an open mind, and are willing to grow as a person.
The choice is yours: try to be what you think the other person wants and ultimately be rejected or be yourself and have a chance at having more happiness, fulfillment and pleasure than you can handle. Please choose wisely.
Good luck and God Bless.
Bryan Redfield
Put the dating successes of over 10,000 single men and women and to work for you.Visit Bryan's website at:http://www.bryanredfield.com
This advice column is copyright 1999 - 2006 by Bryan Redfield.
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