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Direct Answers
Hello. Adult child of an alcoholic here. I still don’t know what to do with the rest of my life. I over think everything and don’t make a move. If I meet resistance, I usually back down. I have big dreams, then talk myself down. I know there is more to life but am so afraid…
Becky
Becky, last week we printed your entire letter, and Tamara began our response This week I continue where Tamara left off.
Like everyone else, you arrived on the planet with a natural inclination to develop along certain lines. However, your development was thwarted. It could have been anything, but in your case it was two delusional parents. One parent lived inside a bottle, and the other parent pretended it wasn’t so. That’s pretty harsh, but it’s the usual story for children in an alcoholic home.
As a clear-eyed child trying to cope with two people not living in reality, you developed certain habits. You double and triple thought everything. You created an imaginary life in your head. And you listened to negative thoughts repeat themselves again and again. Thoughts like, “I am not good enough, I am unworthy, I am useless…”
Though it embarrasses you now to admit how you coped, these habits were a perfectly normal response. You should be grateful for them. They helped you survive a difficult situation, but now it is time to let them go.
Unfortunately the mind tends to follow familiar patterns. Though these habits are no longer needed, the mind wants to hold on to them. What you need is a way to break through your negative conditioning and become again that clear-eyed, resilient child.
Today I want to suggest three simple, powerful techniques you, or anyone else, can use to change. As Tamara mentioned, the West has traditionally regarded the body as a poor relative of the mind; this meant emphasizing change through will power. But will power is nearly powerless in overcoming negative conditioning. A wiser approach uses both mind and body.
The first technique we suggest is simply watching each breath, or counting each breath up to a certain number, say 21. What this technique does is break habitual patterns of thought. It moves your mind to the present and frees energy for productive uses. Books on this practice are often grouped under the heading of mindfulness or relaxation.
The second technique employs the body, and it relies on one elementary fact: habits of mind are embedded in the body. When energy is tied up in unproductive mental habits, it is also tied up in the muscular and skeletal systems. A gentle daily routine of stretching and flexibility exercises frees this energy.
The final technique is also simple, and it relies on another basic fact: what you lacked growing up was role models. The human instrument is capable of incredible things, but when you looked into your parents’ eyes you often saw nobody was home. You need to find role models. We are thinking of those people who live in each moment, people who are highly organized personalities living life with a continuity of purpose. Coming in contact with just one such person can change your life.
Each of these suggestions is powerful. They are available to anyone, anytime, and they don’t cost a thing. They have only two limitations. First, if you are in an immediate crisis, they won’t work fast enough to help you. Second, they can’t cure an underlying organic problem.
In the Bhagavad Gita it is written that no effort on the right path is ever wasted. That’s how it is when you decide to change the course of your life. There is no failure. It is simply a matter of the degree of your success. Every effort, even the smallest, improves your life.
Next week Tamara and I conclude our thoughts on change.
Wayne
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.
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