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Dr. Dennis Neder
Hello Dr. Neder:
This guy in my class has been flirting with me all semester. When he first approached me I was reading on the grass. He introduced himself to me, mentioned that we were in class together and sat down and started talking to me. Some small talk (mostly him asking questions about myself) was followed by him inviting me to join him for coffee in the student center, but I declined because I didn't know him that well nor did I know whether or not I liked him.
As the semester has gone on I've gotten to feel a lot more comfortable around him and now I would like to go out with him. Only problem is, he hasn't asked me again! I waited and waited for him to ask and nothing. I thought back to whether or not I gave him the right signals. I would say I was receptive to what he did (smiled when he smiled, answered when he spoke or asked me questions about myself), but it was rare that I initiated anything except a couple of goodbyes after class was over. I have to admit I did play hot/cold a couple of times however, the guys I talked to say when a girl you like is receptive to any of your advances that is usually enough to move things forward. Part of me thinks he was too subtle and I only see him in class so he would have an audience of our classmates as well as my girlfriends if he asked me again. That is probably what is stopping him.
The last day of class is coming up soon. I've thought about offering him my phone number, but I think a few things are stopping me and I want to get your opinion/thoughts from a guy's view on each of them.
1) If a guy is interested in you he will ask you out. Since this guy hasn't asked me for my phone number or brought up going out again, maybe he isn't interested enough and just likes flirting.
2) I'm going to come across as desperate or too aggressive if I offer him my number. Usually the guy is the one to come after me and it is rare that I would offer my number without him asking. I almost feel like that puts me in the pursuer role and I don't know how comfortable I am with that.
3) I'm not really sure how to even approach the topic. Should I say something about the coffee offer (that was almost 2 months ago) or should I just write my digits on a piece of paper and hand it to him? I don't want to go into a big speech and the least words the better because I feel like we have an audience (the class). This is hard enough to do without an audience (if I decided to do it).
Any thoughts, opinions, or advice you can give me would be beneficial. Again, my class meets in two days for the last time and I either need to get brave or bag it for good.
Hello!
How well do you have to know someone - or know that you like them - in order to have coffee with them??? That is sure an odd "standard" indeed! In fact, you should use the exact opposite approach. Only turn down coffee if you absolutely DO NOT like someone - not when you don't know! Otherwise, how else will you find out if you like them or not?
Further, what in the hell is with this game of hot/cold? Yes, I know that you girls somehow think this will make or keep a guy's interest, but as a guy I'm here to tell you this simply makes us want to find someone - anyone - else! Trust me on this one: I don't care what your guy-friends have told you, this IS NOT enough! Why would some guy constantly risk rejection from you? Answer: they won't.
Now, guess what? You've created a situation where he's not going to ask you out - even if you really turn on the interest! Great job if you want to stay single the rest of your life! What this really means now is that YOU are going to have to do the work instead of letting him do it if you really want to see this guy outside of class!
Let me now answer your specific questions:
1) This guy DID ask you out - he invited you to coffee! You said "no" (because of some dumb rule about "liking him before drinking coffee in his presence".) You should have taken him up on it then.
2) You're so worried about looking desperate and agressive that you don't even look available! As I said before, this "hot/cold" game constantly works against you girls, but you do it anyway. Is this something you read in Cosmo or something? Remember: those mags are written by WOMEN, not men! If you want to know what a man thinks, ask one (oh wait - you DID - you're asking me!)
3) The only reason you now have to be "brave" is because you blew it originally! I hope you take this away as a lesson. Stop playing the games already! Just be upfront and a little brave. Your social life will only improve because of it.
What you need to do immediately is to go up to him (forget the coffee incident) and say, "Here's my number. I hope you'll call me after finals so we can get together."
I know, I know, this is a lot more difficult than if you'd just have said, "yes" in the beginning - right?
Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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