Question:

I have recently within the last month started seeing this great girl. She works in the same company as my room mate who actually introduced us. We have gone out together once or twice a week since then and exchanged e mails at work over the last few weeks.

I am acknowledged by most people who know me as a nice guy. I treat all women with courtesy and respect until they give me a reason to do otherwise, and even then I will simply be courteous until they go away or I can remove myself from their presence.

I am 27 and have spent the vast majority of my adult life single and unattached to any woman. As a result I am very independent and am have never felt like I really needed anyone else to make me happy. I also am unfortunately as a result pretty inexperienced when it comes to playing games of the heart.

I have told her several times over the course of our seeing each other that I really like her alot. I am not very subtle I'm afraid and have a bit of a blunt and direct way of expressing myself. I didn't try to give the impression that I wanted to settle down or anything, but I did in fact make her feel rather smothered with attention. I feel really bad about it and know exactly how she feels.

Now I have to try and undo the damage if I can. The fact that she came to me right away with how she was feeling gives me hope. I suppose if she didn't have any respect or feelings for me at all, she would have just told me to take a hike. But now we feel a little awkward around each other and I am not quite sure how to re establish our "comfort level" so to speak. I am perfectly capable of giving her space, but I am not sure what the right amount might be. We only see one another maybe once or twice a week as it is.

So my question is; is it possible to re establish her desire to see me, even after I have made her feel "smothered"?

Signed,
Mr. Wanna be Right


Answer:

The fact is you made an honest mistake based on inexperience rather than intentionally trying to "own" her. Based on your description of the kind of person you are, if you had more experience with women I seriously doubt you'd have made this beginner's mistake.

Can you correct this with her? Maybe yes, maybe no. More importantly is to correct it in yourself so it doesn't happen again, with her or with any woman. Then try to correct it with her.

Before I show you how to handle the situation, let me say this: As much as you're attracted to her, she isn't the only woman on the planet. If she won't give you the leeway to make a mistake, if she won't allow you to be human, if she won't take into consideration your lack of experience, if she can't appreciate your knowing you made a mistake, and your wanting to apologize and correct it, if she wants to rub it in your face every time you do something wrong, then you've misjudged her as a person and you shouldn't waste your time on her because, ultimately, it wouldn't work out.

No one is perfect. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes. Everyone is entitled to apologize. And everyone is entitled to try to correct the situation they created. And when such an apology comes from the heart, everyone is entitled to a second chance.

That being said, let's move forward. I teach my students the first step toward solving any problem is to identify what's wrong. And be as specific as possible. The second step is to identify who's fault it is and why.

In your case you made the mistake of smothering her by coming on too strong and you know it. And the reason you did it is because of a lack of experience on your part.

I respect the fact that you're man enough to admit it and want to correct it. This says volumes about the kind of person you are and it will make establishing a relationship with any woman a lot easier. The macho, "I'm right, you're wrong no-matter-what" attitude will only get you a woman with little or no self respect who can be pushed around and talked into anything. Not the kind of a woman I think you'd be attracted to based on your email.

So now that you've identified the problem, who's fault it is and why, what do you do about it? In your case, how do you "unsmother" someone? And how do you do it with class, style and dignity?

I teach my students the key to any relationship is open, honest communication. You don't have any control over how she will react, so don't try. All you really have control over is what you do. What you want to do in this situation is clear your conscience, admit to her you made a mistake and see if she's willing to give you another chance. If she is, move on with the relationship. If she isn't, move on a wiser man.

If you understand that, you'll have the key as to what attitude to have with her. You're doing this for you, not for her. Because of that, it really doesn't matter what her response is. What matters is you've corrected your inappropriate behavior to the best of your ability, learned from your mistake and are ready to move forward with your life... with her or without her.

Of course you want her to give you another chance but you really have no control over whether she does or not. You made a mistake. You know it. Now as a man you're trying to correct it and reclaim your self respect. It's that simple. You're not a child who is being forced by his mother to apologize to the teacher for being bad. You're a man admitting he made a mistake, asking for forgiveness and a second chance.

If you understand that you'll be able to approach her with integrity and dignity rather than ego. And that attitude will force her to respect you, even if she doesn't want to give you another chance. If it's over with her, it's over. But you will be able to leave with your integrity and your self respect intact.

So what do you tell her? You tell her the truth. Tell her what you told me in your email, almost verbatim, with some editing. You want to say four basic things to her:

1) I made a mistake.

2) I was wrong.

3) I know it and I'm sorry.

4) Can we start over again?"

Then let her decide what she wants to do. If she says, "No thanks" you need to accept it with dignity and humility. If she says yes, talk with her about your inexperience and how you want to learn. She's the expert on how to relate with her without smothering her. Talk about what you did specifically to make her feel smothered. Ask her what you should have done, what kind of behavior is appropriate, and how you can correct mistakes with her when you make them. And yes, you'll make more mistakes, just as she will.

Why are you doing this? The short term benefit is to continue having a romantic relationship with her. The long term benefit is it's teaching you how to relate and communicate with women you're romantically and sexually attracted to.

Now that you know what to tell her, what's the best way to start the conversation? In your case, because you're in contact by email, I suggest you send her an email. It's non threatening and non confrontational. She can read it on her own free time and think about it without having to worry about your feelings.

You can also call her on the phone and say, "Hi, it's me. I made a mistake and I owe you an apology. Can we talk about it?" Then see what she says. The tone of her voice will tell you what your chances are of continuing the relationship with her romantically.

I respect her for coming to you and telling you what you were doing wrong. It's a good sign on her part of a certain level of emotional maturity. In her response to you, if she tries to beat you up emotionally or put you down in any way, take this as an early warning of what's to come and make a polite exit.

Good luck and God Bless.

Bryan Redfield
Put the dating successes of over 10,000 single men and women and to work for you. Visit Bryan's website at: http://www.bryanredfield.com

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