Question:

Dear Bryan:

I was on the internet and I came across you page regarding a guy who had asked you advice about dating a stripper.

I found it helpful as I am a similar position. I am a few years younger than her...she is 31 and beautiful and really cool to hang out with. She doesn't know I am my age...I never told her out of fear that she wouldn't want to "date" a younger guy.

Anyways, we spoke and I eventually made a bet with her...I won and the prize was the date. First date was awesome. We hit it off great and really connected. Then came date 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Do I spend alot of money on her...no!

I recently slept with her...and feel weird about it and this is why I write you. She has the quintessential background filled with molestation, abuse, and lack of a father, etc and to boot, she is a feminist. The picture comes together well. I like her, Bryan...I really do and am also really digging her personality.

Sex with her was good, but I have had better. I genuinely like her, but the most perplexing thing to me is that she RARELY calls. Making the relationship work is mostly me. I put forth 95% of the effort...hers is the 5% b/c all she has to do is not cancel.

So, what do I do...I try to look at the obvious (by the way, I never tip her, and she doesn't want me to do so). She went on 6 dates with me, tells me she likes me, opens up to me to an extent. She compliments me often...I like her and want to date her, but she seems to like "bad boys" or at least be attracted to them. I don't want a serious relationship with her...just want to continue dating her.

Please help me here and let me know how or what i should do.

Thanks.


Answer:

You said, "I don't want a serious relationship with her...just want to continue dating her." So that eliminates your looking at her as marriage material. It sounds like you just want to enjoy the fantasy of going out with a stripper. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you don't mislead her into thinking you've fallen in love with her. And from her behavior it sounds like she just wants to enjoy your time together with no serious commitments, either.

Let's get right to the heart of your problem. If I understand you correctly, the problem is you put forth 95% of the effort into the relationship and you'd like it to be more equal.

In any potential relationship I teach my students to ask themselves what they want from the other person. Sit down with a pen and paper and write it down. Look at it and ask yourself these four questions:

1) Can this person give me what I want?

2) Will they give it to me?

3) How much can they give me?

4) What do I have to go through to get it?

Next, I teach my students: When you want a change, you need to be specific about what you're unhappy with and what you want to change it to.

In your case you're unhappy because you're putting forth 95% of the effort in keeping this relationship going. But what, specifically, do you want changed?

For example: Do you want her to call you more often? How often do you want her to call? Have you ever asked her why she rarely calls you or why she never asks you out for a date? Have you ever told her it's important to you that she calls you once in a while? She can't read your mind. She won't know what you need, want and desire unless you tell her. Once you've identified specifically what you want you can sit down with her and talk about making the changes you want.

Now let's look at it from her perspective. Have you ever asked her what she's looking for in a relationship? Maybe she doesn't want anything more than what she's getting from you and maybe she isn't willing to put anything more into the relationship. If that's true, you have to accept it, respect it and enjoy what's there for as long as it lasts or walk away and find someone else. If you don't, all you'll do is fight.

After six dates you should have a pretty good level of communication with her. If you can't sit down and talk with her about these things after six dates it tells me you're doing something seriously wrong when you get together.

Now let's cover a different area of your relationship. You said, "...but she seems to like 'bad boys' or at least be attracted to them." You may be right, you may be wrong. But don't try to second guess what she likes. Ask her. You base this belief on your observations of her at work. You need to realize when she is at work she is preforming. And she's preforming the entire time she's there, not just on stage. That performance is designed to get her tips so she can pay her rent. This is a job for her. Cut and dried. Maybe the bad boy types tip better and she just goes where the money is.

When I worked at Chippendales I did the same thing, I went where the money was. If they tipped, I flirted with them and turned them on. If they didn't tip, I just served their drink and left them alone. Sound cruel? Look at it logically. All else being equal, who would you spend your time with? The ones who tip or the ones who don't? The ones who pay your rent or the ones who want you to work for free?

Each night I worked at Chippendales I got asked out by several women who said they would do anything I wanted in bed. Some were blunt, some were subtle. Your stripper friend is going through the exact same thing, night after night after night.

Some of them I went out with (I'm only human). When we got together they'd usually say some version of, "You're so much different when you're not working." I learned quickly they weren't attracted to me but rather the fantasy of being with a guy who worked at Chippendales. And they wanted me to be that fantasy. Your stripper friend is going through the exact same thing.

Since I needed the money more than I needed the sex, I took the lesson to heart and played the part to the best of my ability. But my free time was my own. On my free time I didn't have to be anyone but myself. I didn't waste my time looking for quality relationships at work because that wasn't what the women were coming in there for. Quality sex, yes. But that's another story.

Back to you. Next, it sounds like you're taking it personally she isn't more aggressive in calling you or asking you out. She may be that way with everyone. Again, look at her job: She has guys begging her for sex, attention, and anything else they can get from the moment she gets to work until the moment she leaves. They'd follow her to her car if they could.

She has so much attention thrown at her she doesn't have time to be aggressive. She really doesn't have time to do anything but turn them on sexually for money and then fend them off when they attack like a pack of wolves. When I worked at Chippendales I went through the same thing so I know how she feels.

There isn't a single guy where she works who talks to her that doesn't want to have sex with her. If she's a nice person, so much the better. But they don't care because they just want short term sex, not a relationship. The bad boy types specialize in short term relationships. She may feel safe with them because they don't ask her a lot of questions about her past and they don't expect much from her other than sex (which she doesn't have to give, just the illusion of sex). That may be why she appears to like them.

Because of her background of abuse, she'll eventually need to get therapy if she wants to have some kind of a normal relationship with a man. Maybe she isn't ready to deal with her past yet. Maybe she is. The only way you'll find out is to ask her. Then, if you so chose, you can help her but you can't do it for her.

As you said, you're dealing with someone who's been damaged in her childhood, sexually and emotionally. You can't change that and you can't change her. You can help her if she wants help. But until she says she wants help you're wasting your breath trying to help her. And you have no right trying to force it on her. The road to mental health after you've been sexually abused is a slow, painful one. She may not be willing to take the trip.

Another thing she's dealing with: At 31 she realizes her days as a stripper are coming to an end. She won't be able to compete with the 21, 22 and 23 year old gals the guys will prefer. A stripper's prime is between the ages of 25 to 30. She's past that and she knows it.

You're concerned she doesn't open up more to you. As a stripper she knows no one is interested in her as a person, only as a sex object. She seems to be content with that for now. Why should she open up to people she knows don't care about her? And maybe she doesn't want anyone to care about her. Maybe she just wants to have fun, no attachments, no commitments.

So what do you do? My advice is to sit down and write everything down like I told you at the beginning of my response to your email. Then sit down with her and ask her what she wants from the relationship. Ask her what she's looking for. Then tell her what you'd like from her in the relationship. If she isn't willing or able to give it to you, accept her for who and what she really is. Enjoy what's there for as long as it lasts. Then move on a wiser, more experienced man.

Good luck and God Bless.

Bryan Redfield
Put the dating successes of over 10,000 single men and women and to work for you. Visit Bryan's website at: http://www.bryanredfield.com

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