Dear Bryan,

Recently I have been placed in a fairly awkward position. I have known this girl for around five or so years. I have other girly friends that are closer to me but are only friends.

Anyway this one girl and I have always got along really well (although we are quite different kinds of people). I've been in trouble with her former boyfriend before for being to friendly (although I never felt we were doing anything wrong, I don't think she did ever. We just often nit pick at each other when we are drunk, I think he was just a jealous sort of person).

About two months ago they broke up and she began to spend a lot more time around me and my friends, although I was there for her I kept my distance because she was being a little to friendly. Now that she has come down out of her crazy break up buzz I am beginning to have feelings for her.

I see her fairly often. She often invites me to study with her (in the library as its exam time). Sounds promising but I really cant tell and I'm not really sure if I want to go her way. I would have tried by now if she was someone else but she is a friend. I don't want to loose her as a friend (this is most important) but I would like to get to know her in a more personal way.

Do you think it is worth the risk of trying for her I should I just wait until I know for sure?

Thanks.

Answer:

Your basic situation is you have a female friend you've known for over five years. From time to time her boyfriend would get jealous of the interaction between the two of you. She broke up with her boyfriend a while ago. Now she's expressing interest in you. You're interested in return but, no matter what happens, you don't want to jeopardize your friendship with her because you value her friendship very highly. All of that information is crucial to what you do and how you handle the situation.

Let's take it one by one.

1) You're friends non-sexually and you've known each other for over five years. That means your communication should be excellent. You should be able to talk openly about everything. That includes what you're going through now with your romantic feelings for each other.

2) From time to time her boyfriend would get jealous of the interaction between the two of you. That means, whether the two of you care to admit it or not, he sees some sexual energy between the two of you. He sees you as a potential threat. If he gets jealous over every guy talking with her I would retract my statement. But the way you presented it, it looks like he gets jealous over you specifically. As her boyfriend he knows what turns her on, when she's turned on and why she's turned on. Don't take his jealousy lightly.

3) She broke up with her boyfriend a while ago. Now she's "available" and her actions, words and behavior take on a completely different meaning. She's "looking" for a new boyfriend and she's checking all her options.

4) Now she's expressing interest in you. You've obviously picked up on it or you wouldn't have mentioned it.

Those are the facts as you presented them to me. Your position is you're attracted to her and want to move forward but, if it doesn't work out, you don't want to lose the friendship you have with her.

So how do you approach her with class, style and dignity without jeopardizing your current relationship?

I teach my students the first thing they need to decide (once they've met someone) is what they want, and don't want, from their relationship with the other person. You need to do this with your female friend. Romance and sex are lines that, once crossed, can never be undone.

It sounds to me like you're attracted to her and would like to go out with her romantically but the desire isn't that strong on your part. It sounds like you're more interested in her as a friend rather than as a girlfriend. If you value her friendship more then the prospect of being her boyfriend, it's probably better for you not to get involved with her romantically.

But I'm going on the assumption you want to pursue her romantically with the desire, if it doesn't work out, that you keep your close friendship intact (because that's essentially what you're asking me to help you with).

Once you've decided what you want from the relationship, the next thing you need to figure out is what she wants from her relationship with you. The only way you'll find that out is to ask her.

I teach my students all relationships, personal and professional, are a matter of two people (man/woman, boss/employee, salesperson/customer, parents/children, etc.) sitting down, negotiating and saying (among other things), "What do you want, what do I want, how much of the same things do we want and how can we work out the differences?" If you don't have something the other person wants, and they don't have something you want, you won't interact with each other.

Let's call your friend Sally to keep this simple. Right now you and Sally have a friendship. She apparently wants to take this into romance, you're hesitant because you don't want to lose what friendship you have. I'm sure she's hesitant for the same reasons.

Whether you date Sally romantically or not, your friendship with her is in jeopardy because you have no idea how she will respond when you tell her you're interested in going out with her romantically.

She may be more interested in having you as a boyfriend rather than as a male friend. If that's the case, and you reject her as a possible girlfriend, she may walk away from her friendship with you, depending on her level of emotional maturity and what she wants from her relationship with you. Or she may accept it and say, "What the heck, let's stay friends."

You have no control over what she wants or does. You only have control over yourself. That's why you need to be very clear on what you want from her and your relationship with her. If you're not, you may end up feeling hurt and used. But who's fault would it be?

If you refuse to tell someone what you want, or don't want, and they pursue you only to be ultimately rejected by you, how can you blame them for walking away from the relationship claiming you've misled them? The fact is you haven't been honest with them. You've withheld information that would have saved you both time, energy and pain.

Her needs and wants in your relationship are changing. If you don't give her what she wants she may accept it gracefully or she may walk away from her relationship with you. It depends on what she wants. The only way you'll find that out is to ask her.

So what do you do? And how do you do it with class, style and dignity? Get together with her and tell her you'd like to talk with her. Then tell her the truth.

Tell her something like this, "I know you broke up with your boyfriend. I'm attracted to you but I don't want it to hurt our friendship. If the feeling is mutual, let's talk about it and take it slow. If not, that's okay. I accept it but I just needed to know because I care about you and, whatever happens, I don't want to lose the friendship we have now." Rephrase this using your own words but that's basically what you want to say. Then see what she says.

The essence of true friendship is you can tell your friends the truth and they can tell you the truth. If they can't, won't or don't, they aren't your friends. If Sally can't appreciate your honesty then she isn't your friend, just a good acquaintance who you can sometimes be yourself around. That alone tells me a romantic relationship would never work out because it would be based on sex rather than friendship. In successful relationships the sex enhances the friendship, not the other way around.

If you decide to go out as boyfriend/girlfriend, talk with her, if you haven't already, about what was wrong with her relationship with her last boyfriend so you don't make any of those mistakes. You both have an excellent chance of having the best of both worlds: having a lover who is a close friend.

Please choose wisely.

Good luck and God Bless.

Bryan Redfield
Put the dating successes of over 10,000 single men and women and to work for you. Visit Bryan's website at: http://www.bryanredfield.com

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