Question: Dear Bryan,

Over the past couple of months, a friend and I of well over a year have been becoming more intimate.

We're both college students, but go to schools at opposite ends of the country. From the beginning of our intimacy, I knew that such a long distance relationship probably wouldn't last, but still, I feel as though I have grown to love her. Am I in love with her, I'm not sure, but I am sure that I love her.

Our time together will come to a close in a few days, and I'm not really sure if I should, or how I should go about telling her how I feel about her. I'm not really sure if she feels the same way or if saying such things would jeopardize our friendship.

Any sort of advice or guidance in this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you greatly.

Answer:

You're basically asking me two questions:

1) Should I be honest and tell her the truth about how I feel?

2) If so, how do I do it with class, style and dignity?

What are you really trying to do in this situation? You're trying to increase the level of your pleasure and enhance the intimacy in your relationship. You're hoping she wants to increase it, too. You want to find out if she's receptive and if she wants it, too. And you want to do it in a way that doesn't jeopardize the relationship you have with her now.

You say you're friends. You're about to test whether or not that's true.

The two most important elements of any friendship are being honest and telling the truth. They form the basis of any true friendship. Without them you're just acquaintances. So if you can't tell her the truth about how you feel, if she can't deal with it and tell you the truth about how she feels, you're not really friends.

If she has anything on the ball, she already knows you're sexually attracted to her. She may have been giving you signals she's interested but you don't know how to interpret them or you may have a mental block from fear of hurting the relationship. And then, she may not be giving you any signals at all. She may just want to be friends.

That being said, how do you tell her? And how do you do it with class, style and dignity? I suggest you talk with her in a way you're comfortable, either in person in a relaxed environment or on the phone, whichever you prefer.

Use your own words but this is basically what you want to say, "I know we won't be together much longer. And I know there is going to be a lot of physical distance between us. But I want you to know your friendship is important to me and I want to stay in touch with you. I'm also attracted to you. It wouldn't be fair to either one of us if I didn't tell you that. I'm open to what ever you want to do and to whatever happens. If you just want to be friends, I accept it and won't bring it up again. If you'd like to get romantically involved, I'd like that, too. I'll let you decide. You can have as much time as you want to decide. But no matter what you decide your friendship is important to me and I want to stay in touch with you no matter what."

Then let her give you her answer. If she can't or won't, you're not as close as you thought. If you really are close friends, she already knows how you feel.

Why are you telling her this? I teach my students that in any relationship, the only thing you have control over is yourself. You're telling her because you want a clear conscience. You want to know you've done the best of your ability to establish the kind of a relationship with her that will give you both the maximum amount of pleasure without putting her in an awkward position. You also hope it will take your relationship to a deeper level of intimacy.

She may not want to jeopardize her friendship with you, either. She may or may not want to get more intimate with you. The way to handle it, the way to find out, is to sit down like two adults and talk it over. If she really is your friend, she'll understand and be complimented. If you're really friends she'll deal with it in a positive way. If not, she won't.

What have you got to lose? Nothing except the illusion of your friendship. If you tell her you'll find out where you really stand in the relationship. Another thing to think about: Is saying nothing easier to live with than telling her how you feel?

One final thought: What kind of a man would you respect more, one who lives in fear of his actions and therefore lets life pass him by or one who has the inner strength to admit his feelings and pursue his heart's desires while respecting those he interacts with? Only you can answer that.

Physical distance is an interesting challenge to a relationship. If the two of you want to make it work, either as friends or something more intimate, you'll find a way. You'll find that way together.

So should you tell her how you feel? That's up to you. Please choose wisely. A lot is at stake here.

Good luck and God Bless.

Bryan Redfield
Put the dating successes of over 10,000 single men and women and to work for you.Visit Bryan's website at: http://www.bryanredfield.com

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