Question:

How do you deal with a long distance love? We plan to marry in a few years but he's away at a college and I am stuck [sic] here at college.

Our phone conversations just leave me feeling sad and alone (also about $20 poorer!) any advice for a lonely girl?

Thanks

Answer:

Let's start by getting into specifics about your relationship. For simplicity, let's call your boyfriend Jim. You didn't go into any background about your relationship with Jim or your past so I'm going to have to guess.

Your background will have a major impact on what happens to your relationship with Jim in the future, just as his background will have a major impact on what happens to his relationship with you.

If going to college is your first time away from home with no adult supervision, you are going to go through some major changes in personality. You'll pretty much be able to do what you want, when you want to do it, for as long as you want and you won't have to answer to anyone. In short, you'll start becoming an adult. Jim will be going through the same changes. It's unlikely you'll grow closer. If you're both virgins, you'll probably lose your virginity at college. If you chose not to have sex it doesn't mean Jim will wait.

Next, how large is your college? How large is his? If you're going to a small religious oriented college where sex, drugs and alcohol are frowned on and he's going to a large university like UCLA, where anything and everything goes, it's unlikely you'll be able to keep your relationship together.

I'm not trying to paint a dark picture about the future of your relationship with Jim. But I do want you to be realistic. With him at one college and you at another, the odds of your relationship working out are not good. The further away from each other you are physically (let's say you're on the east coast and he's on the west coast), the more you're going to change in different directions.

If you truly plan on marrying him, and he feels the same way, talk about going to the same college or one within driving distance of each other so you can be together. It means one of you is going to have to transfer to another college, and maybe to another state. If you're both excited about the idea you have a chance of it working out.

When you boil it all down, all colleges are pretty much the same, unless you're going to a specialized technical school (if either of you is at a specialized technical school and can't transfer, the other should be the one to transfer). By that I mean: When you get out in the real world and have to support yourself, the college you attended will only help you so much. If you can't preform on the job, the degree is a worthless piece of paper, as many an unemployed Ph.D. will attest.

If you have no major career plans and would rather be a stay-at-home mom, or work to get a secondary income while you raise kids and your husband is the main means of support, you can get your training just about anywhere.

And let me inject, so you don't misunderstand, there's nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mom and wanting to raise kids. Nor is there anything wrong with your having a full time career. It's a decision you and your husband should make together as part of establishing a partnership. Or you both may decide you should work while he goes to school to get his professional degree. Once he's established in his career, you can go back to college if you choose.

The idea here is you're trying to establish a working partnership with each other because you're building a foundation for your future relationship. The key is to sit and talk and decide what you both want from life. That key is called communication. Then make plans together to get those goals.

That being said, your biggest problem seems to be your loneliness. What can you do about that right now?

First, I suggest internet chat because it's free. That will help the money problems.

Second, you can send audio cassette tape recordings of your voices to each other. Then you can put the tape recorder on and hear his voice whenever you feel lonely and it won't cost you anything.

You can start talking and planning on one of you transferring to another college so you can be together. That will give you hope for the future which will help you deal with today. And it will give you something solid to look forward to in the near future rather than something uncertain four years down the road.

A large part of your loneliness comes from having no stable plans for being together in the future other than, "Some day we're going to get married." Compare that with, "In three months, I'll be moving to his college (or him to mine) and we'll be together." Just thinking about it makes your heart soar and your loneliness is cut in half.

In the final analysis, it won't be what college either of you went to, what career either of you had or how much money either of you had in your bank account when you died but how much quality time you had with each other and how much love was in the relationship.

Good luck and God Bless.

Bryan Redfield
Put the dating successes of over 10,000 single men and women and to work for you. Visit Bryan's website at: http://www.bryanredfield.com

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