Question:

I need help on a problem. I will try and make this short, but details are always important.

I am a divorced male, 32 years old, who has never had a problem dating, and am way over my ex wife, but have had a problem being "too picky", and possibly leaving some good prospects.

Well, five months ago, I met the girl of my dreams, well, so I thought. She was successful, secure, independent, beautiful, and still had goals and dreams. She had or has a little girl, but that has never been a problem for me. My first attraction to her was how confident in herself and her ability was. We started dating, and talked about the past, and I realized then that maybe she had some emotional baggage, but she said it would never be a problem because she would never let men step on her again.

The first big fight started and all of a sudden this huge wall came between us, from her not me. She got distant, made rude and criticizing comments, instead of trying to talk about it, and it was her way, or no way. Deep down inside, the old "me", was like run, get out, you dont need her, but then I couldnt. I couldnt imagine losing her.

Now, we fight alot. I am not putting all of the blame on her, because I will defend myself, but they always start the same way, and with her getting defensive and cruel, instead of talking. An example is; I asked her early on if we could ever go out, just her and I, and she said she didnt have a babysitter, and felt guilty about doing her daughter that way. I was fine with that, and left it alone. A month later she said I wasnt romantic, and if I didnt ask her out and treat her like she deserves, then she would find someone who would. I try and analyze, and have found out alot of things that maybe adding to the problem; She was physically and mentally abused before, and hated men for along time. She got pregnant, and her boyfriend left her, and never came back. She just lost her job about a month and a half ago, exactly the time our fights started.

I guess what I am asking Bryan is; should I hang on, and keep trying to prove to her how much I love her and am not the "typical guy", like she wants to believe, or is this woman scarred for life, and there is no getting through to her? I ask about the typical guy, because I have always prided myself on, and have been complimented on, how I have never cheated, done a one night stand, never hit, or abused a women in anyway. I was raised to respect women, and believe in chivalry, but she doesnt want to believe it, especially if a fight breaks out.

I am at a loss, because for once in my life, or in a long time, I am in love, and I know love is supposed to be unconditional, but I am about ready to give up because she wont meet me half way. What can I do?

Answer:

You covered a lot of ground. Thank you. It makes giving you an answer you can use a lot easier. There's less guesswork on my part.

Your basic situation is: You're involved with a woman who, on one level, is the woman of your dreams. On another level, (let's be kind) she's less than perfect. She's been abused and hates men. She has a daughter from a man who abandoned her after she got pregnant. She feels victimized and is "never going to let a man hurt her again." She takes her hostility out on you every time you touch a raw nerve connected to her past experiences of when she was used, abused, or victimized. Whenever there is an argument, it's always your fault. Since she hates men, you're already a bastard, no matter how nice you are. And no matter what you do, it isn't enough.

Your basic question is: "Should I hang on, and keep trying to prove to her how much I love her and am not the "typical guy", like she wants to believe, or is this woman scarred for life, and there is no getting through to her?"

Let me rephrase your question: "Should I stick around, will she ever see I'm a good guy, will she ever see how much I love her, or is she ruined for life with no way of getting through to her?"

Now let's shorten it and get to the meat of your question: "Should I stick around?"

Let me start this way: She is giving you all the information you need, intentionally or unintentionally, to make a decision as to what to do. All you have to do is look at the feedback she's giving you in an unbiased way and accept it. Your biggest problem is not her. It's yourself, because what she's telling you, and what you want to hear, are two different things.

No matter what you think, or want to believe, she doesn't care about you or what you want. She's to wrapped up in her bitterness about the situation she finds herself in and wants someone to take it out on. For right now, you're it.

My main question to you is: Do you really want a long term diet of this abuse? Especially when you've done nothing wrong? It's obvious you've tried to talk things out with her on numerous occasions. She refuses to listen or compromise.

Let's take your letter item by item. First, you said, "She was successful, secure, independent, beautiful, and still had goals and dreams... My first attraction to her was how confident in herself and her ability was." That you put physical beauty fourth on your list lets me know you're ready to have a long lasting relationship with a woman. It shows a level of emotional maturity lacking in a lot of single men.

Let's continue with your letter, "The first big fight started and all of a sudden this huge wall came between us, from her not me. She got distant, made rude and criticizing comments, instead of trying to talk about it, and it was her way, or no way..." I teach my students all the information they need to make an intelligent decision about the person they're involved with is given to them by that person if they will just learn how to gather the information, analyze it honestly with an unbiased mind, and make their decision accordingly. If you allow what you want the person to be, or the potential of what you think they could be, to overshadow your analysis and evaluation, you're going to get hurt, used, and angry.

Let's look at your first fight. She just gave you incredible feedback as to what to expect in the long run whenever you disagree. She'll get distant, make rude and criticizing comments, not talk about it, and give you the ultimatum: "It's my way or no way."

Now let's remove her gender and make her a "person" instead of a woman you think you're in love with. Ask yourself these questions:

1) Is this the kind of person I could be friends with in a long term friendship?

2) If this were a male friend of mine, would I tolerate his behavior?

3) If this was my boss, is he (or she) the kind of person I would work for for the rest of my life?

4) If this were a fellow employee, would I want to spend the rest of my career working with him (or her)?

5) How much of my free time would I want to spend with this person?

Write your answers down on a piece of paper so you can look at them. If you answered "no" to any one of these questions it is extremely unlikely your relationship will last beyond your ability to tolerate the abuse you accept from this person.

Next, from what you've said, the situation has gotten worse, not better. It doesn't take a genius to see it will continue to go downhill for as long as you're willing to compromise your self respect.

The reality of who and what she is contradicts your fantasy of her. You keep trying to impose your fantasy of her on her. And it doesn't work. That's where your confusion comes from. If you can see this it will put you back in control of yourself and the situation. If you can't, you'll just keep banging your head against the wall wondering why she doesn't understand you have needs, too.

Let's move on. She has a daughter. I don't mean to be unkind to single parents, because my mom was one for several years before she remarried, so please don't misunderstand what I am about to tell you or the nature of how I tell you: No matter how much you love a single parent, their children will always come before you. You will always come in second. And that's the way it should be until the children are old enough to take care of themselves. By having a child she has taken on certain responsibilities, responsibilities she will ultimately have to answer to God for. Is it acceptable to you when she insists you put her first and she puts you second? You be the judge.

You're thinking, hoping, wishing, you could change her, make her see you're a good guy, or find some secret technique that will allow you to make the parts of her you're not compatible with change so you'll become soul mates. It doesn't exist. You can't force your help on someone. Until you accept her for who and what she is you're going to be frustrated, confused, hurt and abused.

You ask, "Is she fixable?" Everyone is fixable but only if they want to be fixed. She doesn't. And for you to try to force her to see things your way just meets with resistance because it makes you "a typical guy." It will only get worse because in her mind she hasn't and isn't doing anything wrong.

With your relationship set up the way it is, she is the taker and you're the giver. She wants to get even with every guy who ever hurt her. And you say you want to help her. Why? She obviously doesn't want your help. To say she has "baggage" is an understatement. She has an entire luggage store. She will continue to take out her hostility towards men, her job (now her lack of a job) and life on you for as long as you let her.

Let's look at this loser's logic another way: Following the same line of thought, a loser who gets on a bicycle for the first time and falls down and scrapes their knee, sits there and cries, cusses out God and the world, and vows never to ride a bike again. The loser's mentality doesn't realize no one gets on a bike for the first time without falling down. There are just too many things you need to learn, like balance, coordination, and a lot of other things. Relationships are no different. People think they can just get involved with someone and it will magically work out. Just like with a bicycle, you need practice. Look at the pleasure you can get out of riding a bike. Look at the loser's attitude: "That bike hurt me. I'll never give that bike, or any other bike, a chance to hurt me ever again." How sad.

If she came to you and said, "I'm having some serious problems that are hurting our relationship. I need help. Can we work on this together?" it would be different. But that's not what she's doing. She's saying, "No man is ever going to hurt me again. It's my way or the highway." How sad. For now, she's sealed her fate. What kind of a man, in his right mind, would get involved with her for anything more that short term sex? What normal, emotionally healthy guy would waste his time? Why would he want to?

It's wonderful you know and understand what unconditional love is. Most people don't. She's using your definition of unconditional love against you, using it to manipulate you. What about her giving you some unconditional love in return? All she's doing is putting condition, on top of condition, on top of condition in your relationship. It's her and her daughter first, second, and third. You're fourth. A distant fourth.

Why do you put up with it? You say because you're in love. I teach my students several Golden Rules about relationships. Here is one I want you to ingrain on your mind: Loving someone is no excuse for compromising your self respect. Until you get this, and make it a part of your foundation for relationships, you will continue to get involved in abusive relationships.

There are two kinds of people with problems: Those who want them resolved and those who play victim. She's in the second group. And there is nothing you can do about it but accept it and walk away a wiser man.

Giving unconditional love is wonderful, but only when it's returned. She uses it against you. In her eyes, you will never give enough. She feels totally justified in her behavior because she was hurt before. She's too immature to realize everyone gets hurt in life. The people who are successful in relationships, as well as life in general, learn from their pain, use it as a growing experience, and move forward. The losers blame everyone else and take their hostility out on anyone foolish enough to stand there and take it.

She doesn't realize or care that you weren't there and it wasn't your fault. You want a steady diet of this? And how will her daughter be raised, to trust men? I doubt it. Is this the kind of a woman you want raising your son? Teaching him he's no good just because genetics chose to make him a boy? And if you have a daughter, do you want her raised to hate men just because they're men? Just because she never learned how to get men to do what she wants without beating them up emotionally?

Her attitude is going to make her a very ugly woman later in life. Bitter, resentful, and hostile. Who, in their right mind, is going to want to be around her?

You say you love her. What, specifically, is it you love about her? The way she abuses you?

What can you do?

You can continue to wait until she changes, which will be never because she doesn't see there's anything wrong with her. You can try to help her, but since she doesn't see there's anything wrong with her, she won't change. She demands unconditional love and loyalty from you but won't give it to you in return. Or you can move on a wiser man and learn as much as you can from this so it doesn't happen again. Because if you don't learn the lesson, I guarantee it will happen again. Part of the lesson is: It's great to give unconditional love, loyalty, respect, etc. but only when you get it in return.

I have one final question for you: "Are you for yourself or against yourself?" Please answer that question wisely. Your whole future is at stake.

Ultimately, I think you'll walk away. All that's left are the details.

Good luck and God bless.

Bryan Redfield
Put the dating successes of over 10,000 single men and women and to work for you. Visit Bryan's website at: http://www.bryanredfield.com

This advice column is copyright 1999-2007 by Bryan Redfield.

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